To ease the common stress and awkwardness of stepfamily holiday
gatherings, and to help develop new holiday traditions, consider
these ideas:
* Help everyone in your merged families acknowledge that your family
now consists of a three generational-step, bio, and ex-in-law--multihome
stepfamily--not "just a family." To make this real, try
drawing (on a large sheet of paper) a three-generational "map"
that shows how everyone is now linked together in your family tree.
* To help "meet" each other, game-players can consider
trying noncompetitive board games when your stepfamily is together.
"The Ungame" and "Life Stories" are excellent
games and use nonconfrontational questions that promote sharing
personal information in a "safe" conversational style,
often with a lot of humour.
* Emphasise building respect between all members of your stepfamily,
rather than expecting stepkin to love each other. As you build your
new family relationships and history and work toward mutual acceptance
and friendship, allow the effects of the holiday season to spread
from this core to the rest of your relationships.
* Acknowledge the holiday confusion and conflicts you may encounter.
It probably will take five to eight or more years for your stepfamily
to stabilise and settle on comfortable-enough new holiday rituals.
Talk about each other's uncertainties, without guilt, laugh about
these if you can, and let your stepfamily know that it's OK to feel
conflict and confusion at times.
* Set a limit. If the stress of holiday commitments becomes extreme,
let the family know that you realise there will be loyalty conflicts
from time to time. When compromises aren't forthcoming, put your
marriage first. The real joy of the holidays will come from a more
stable family in the long term.
* Embrace your new holiday traditions, and allow your family to
mourn their loss of some old traditions without blame. If your new
family includes members of another religion, take the time to celebrate
both traditions without shame, guilt or competition. Experiment
with compromising, keeping long-range bonding as your goal.
* When opinions or ideas become a conflict, listen and repeat what
you hear. Although this sounds simple, it isn't. If your teen is
being resentful, sarcastic and rejecting of your holiday plans,
hear their pain between the lines. Repeat, without judgment, what
you hear your teen say--without adding your response. This approach
shows you are being respectful of their anger without starting an
argument and this method of win-win problem solving is always the
best solution.
* Offer to include your teens' key friend at some stepfamily gatherings
to buffer the strangeness and sadness teens often feel during these
times.
* Be patient! As your holiday experiences accumulate over the years,
the awkwardness of having a stepfamily will begin to fade. Make
creating "good-enough" holidays your goal together instead
of trying to re-create that "perfect' holiday you once shared
with your former biofamily (or wished you did).
* Good luck and happy-enough holidays as you build new memories
and traditions!
